Hey, I can’t seem to change my comments from top to bottom--any suggestions?

From Tues, March 8:

I enjoyed today. I spent a lot of time working on my schedule for the next week and chatting with the Columbian. I mentioned my self-control images, and I thought of another--the rudder of a boat. He gave a good image of self-control. A faucet. There is always pressure behind it, but you hold the control of how much water comes out. Our impulses that drive us--sexually, emotionally, physically, aesthetically--are always churning within us. And KP had a good point in that our emotions--I would even say all of our impulses--do not inherently have a value on them. We assign guilt or shame to them. Repression attaches guilt and condemnation, while self-control directs and allows.

"We have to be careful about listening to guilt feelings to tell us when we are wrong, for often, the guilt feelings themselves are wrong. In addition guilt feelings are not good motivators anyway. It is hard to love from a condemned place. We need to feel not condemned, so that we can feel "godly sorrow" that looks to the hurt we have caused someone else, instead of how bad we are. Guilt distorts reality, gets us away from the truth, and away from what is best for the other person."

2 Corn 9:7-8 "Each man should give what he has decided in his heart to give, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver. And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work."

I have felt very guilty. Guilty for being emotional, crying and upset that people need to take notice and care for me. Guilty for being rash and guilty for struggling with hate. Guilty for not wanting to give up those things when others wanted me too. But I realized today that it was under compulsion, out of guilt that I have been making amends, and that is not real love and will not ultimately work anyway. That I cannot love them until I can give it freely, the amount I want to give, even if they want more. And I can do without the rest because that love will be truthful, and His grace will make it sufficient.

I came home with some places to call for ballroom dance, and the Columbian wants me to listen to some of his music and maybe even sing harmony. That fills me up. I got a notice that the rental company of the car that hit me in December is making a claim for $1700. That image last night--standing in a field and watching the army guard my borders--is very helpful to me. And turning off the faucet, because I am plagued by voices all the time. Conversations and rationales that will probably never happen and worthless to think about. I can just turn that faucet off. So I went to yoga, to breathe and focus on pushing out the shit and pulling in energy and space, with that sweet smelling gunk that reminds me of Vicks (I love it). I pay $15.50 to slow down since I cannot do it on my own.

"Impulses are to be matured and structured in healthy ways, not simply acted on when they tell us to. That is the essence of self-control...Learn to verbalize, express, and deal with our strong impulses..." Ok, good, but a little more would help. What is the structure? How do you "deal"?