I'm doing a makeover. Damn. It's not working right. And I have no idea where my comments went. John Bradley told me he had read my blog, which gave me faith that this actually may be read by people and not just the three close friends who occasionally comment. So thank you all. I'm not the writer my blog linkers are. Meet me. I'm much more articulate in person.

Anyway, latest dreams from last week. The Lenten Search has turned into a long term closet cleaning that involves research in forgiveness, depression, homeopathic medicine, cognitive therapy, and Adult Children of Alcoholics. Despite all this, I slipped into depression last week. What happened in my head at night?

I had dreams about being executed for a mistake at work, a rat about to attack my face, a fat girl tricked into marrying John Favreau, who then convinced her that really loved her and then a war. Then I had a dream I lived in a dorm where two girls committed suicide--one I saw. In slow motion she pushed a crystal vase into a ceiling fan and the shards beautifully spun around the room and I knew they would enter her body and tear her to shreds. I had a dream about a dance/theater performance and I felt self conscious talking to the performers afterward--then Jeanine Ross and Annette dropped me off in a car and Jeanine said I could think about growing my hair out. Last night I imagined an entire "opera" with the ending being Angelina Jolie, the royal warrior, captured and on trial, and finally executed by drowning in a beautiful ceremony.

Senor Negro told me he feels better when he drinks more water. I'm sorry, my dear, I'm not convinced upping H20 will solve my nocturnal epics.

I told John Bradley I'd post the book I read: Forgiving and Reconciling by Everett Worthington: Great book. Looks at the emotional aspect of forgiveness. Developing empathy is key. Its a radical way to look at forgiveness and a solid foundation to build read reconciliation. So much of what I've read about depression, overactive thinking, anger, and forgiveness deals with PERCEPTION. That is where our reality comes from.

I don't feel that Lent is over because I've realized that I've rarely felt calm and peaceful. Even in times of contentment and joy there is an underlying franticness to complete projects and move forward. It wears me out. At 27, I just don't have the energy to keep up pretences. I have the same reactions and internal compass as I had when I was four and I remember my dad laughing at me. Time to grow up. Time to see the world differently. Next I might post some discoveries of an Adult Child of an Alcoholics--any adult kid who grew up in an inconsistent, emotionally stunted, or substance-affected household can relate.

Abby and Marcus, I loved helping you out this weekend. I breathed in deep. ELVIRA!