I had two weird dreams over the weekend. One was a party at Madonna's house. She was making a dip for shrimp and as she was preparing for the party she started crying because she forgot to pick up her son at school. She and some other blonde woman then started window shopping because it was night. Then I was in the car with her and as we were looking for a house the whole street started flooding. The other dream was a mix of living it this ramshackle apartment and trying to find a roommate because Jason was moving out and going to this farm of some kind, but to get there you had to travel through these giant tubes.

And this was what I wrote while I was having my panic attack last Thursday:

OK. I had two brownies yesterday and some bread today. I'm still a little sick, and I'm four days late. It's grey and cold and raining. So these all may be reasons why I feel crazy today. I had a hard time falling asleep and I woke up anxious. All day. Just numb and didn't care. Thoughts about the situation kept popping up and I feel like a fucking fool. Just resentful about people--going on trips or that no one has called me back about the dance show. Which normally wouldn't bother me. I'm annoyed at every little thing. And on the car ride home I started crying, but my nose was stuffed up so I couldn't cry very well. I'm spewing all this because I want to see if any of these feelings have to do with the time of month or the weather. I just want to crawl out of my skin, curl up in a ball, and wait in a dark corner until the sun comes out.

Strike a chord with anyone?

Three dreams from last week. First, I was in this dark house. I was trying to leave, but a man came up to me and was trying to convince me that he loved me. I could even feel his breath on me (ha--I wonder if it was the cat) and I sort of gave in. But I knew there was someone else waiting for me. So I followed him, but he disappeared and I saw an older man in the kitchen. He loved me too, or something like it, and he had killed a man earlier and was going to cook up his legs (I saw the last part of Fried Green Tomatoes the other day). It was weird because they looked like giant chicken legs. I tried to move them, but someone was coming or something and I woke up in a panic. It was 5:30 and I had a hard time getting back to sleep. The next dream I was in a room but it was outside and a song by Patti Griffin was playing very loud and I had to turn it down. My sister was there and made a comment. At some point I was in a car and there was a RR crossing arm down, but a train went through and hit it and we drove right through. Later, I tried to find my car. I was in a bathing suit or my underwear and I started to climb this huge snow hill. I knew my car was buried somewhere and when I started digging, it was right there. I woke up because I got two phone calls. I drifted off to sleep again, and there were some dollhouses I was trying to arrange. Suddenly they started moving on their own and orgainzed themselves as my family came by. Blah, blah, the last bit I was talking to someone and there was a little girl-Irene-that was yelling and I told her quietly that she could ask me something, not yell. She wanted toast a woman was bringing over and I said she needed to wait a minute. Then I woke up again.

So I've officially noted it. I've had two anxiety attacks and depression about a week--clinical book definitions. I even sunk to the floor Tues morning and cried into my corn flakes because I couldn't endure the thought of getting up and going to work. I even left work early. It's weird to be experiencing all these feelings and also sitting outside of it thinking, "This is what they talk about when they talk about depression. This is what they talk about when they talk about an anxiety attack." Like the flu--you get the bug even though you drank your OJ, you throw up and lie around, and it goes away. Note: It doesn' t make you feel any better when you know you're having an anxiety attack. In fact, you feel a little ashamed that you can't overcome it since there is nothing to be scared about.