I gripped the wheel too hard, and the brakes locked up. Anti-lock breaks shouldn't do that. They boing back and forth when they do work, the pulse of them working underneath your right foot. Marlene had mentioned they were acting up. I didn't see the ice on the ground, so when I hit it, I gripped the wheel and pressed into the brake and there was no pulse underneath my feet, and my car fishtailed around into a 180. All I could do was watch the large oak tree leer toward me. My eyes wandered to the dark houses in front of me, all lined up in a row. I felt the bump up over the curb, and I listened for the smash, the crunching metal and shattered glass.

Even with a long, hot bath and a sleep aid, I am awake at 5 in the morning, and my thoughts go to him. How I was wronged. How I was duped. How I can't believe superficial infatuation can be interpreted for real love so falsely and with such fervor. Such a lack of self-awareness from such intelligence. And then I remembered the accident eight hours before, and how my hands gripped the wheel when I lost control.

So at 5 in the morning, this thought comes into my head, as I lie in my bed gripping my pen, my hands chilled in the cold darkness. As the words are silently formed, a prayer only God can hear, I feel space spread in my bones and the weight of my body falling into the bed. I need to forgive him. This is the kind of person I that I want to be. And in the end, I am only hurting myself, not the one who I feel deserves it. If I grip the wheel too hard, sometimes there is ice and the brakes don't work very well. I attempt to have control, but it's only an illusion. Forgiveness loosens your grip on an accident waiting to happen, an accident headed for the big oak tree in the darkness, and you are the only one in the car who will hit it. Forgiveness moves you through the ice more smoothly, though with fear and with the possibility of getting hurt. Forgiveness allows you to better able regain your vehicle to make it go where you want it to go. And I will keep going.

Thank God no one was seriously hurt. I was only badly shaken up.